There’s a funny anecdote in USA Today’s profile of “Mr Chow” actor Ken Jeong, who’s now a Hollywood fixture thanks to his roles in the “Hangover” movies and on NBC’s “Community.” Jeong is actually trained and licensed as a medical doctor but when he answered a “doctor in the house?” call recently on a flight he was turned away by his would-be patient who said, “You’re no doctor, get outta here. You’re Mr. Chow!”

The Washington Post calls President Obama our “Consoler-in-Chief” in this morning’s paper. The president is heading to Oklahoma this Sunday to be with the victims of the devastating tornado that wreaked havoc on the state. The Post says his “national itinerary of woe” is a relatively new role for the president, “one that reflects not just the emphasis on an ability to communicate and express empathy, but also an increase in power to direct the federal government to assist in recovery.”

The New York Times makes a big deal of Tesla’s decision to repay its federal loan. The paper says it’s a sign that the electric car business is getting on its feet. Tesla was able to repay its loan nine years before it was due, a boon to the Obama administration, whose clean-energy initiatives took a hit when solar-panel maker Solyndra bit the dust. Note: Tesla customers will still receive a $7,500 tax credit, which drops the purchase price for a Model S to $62,400.

London is in shock after a brutal killing left a solider butchered on its streets. Two men wielding cleavers and knives were seen by scores of eyewitnesses “chopping” a man to death after running him down in a car. They were screaming ‘Allah Akbar’ and shouting at passersby to film them. After the attack, the killer ranted into a camera while covered in blood. The men were subsequently shot down by police, says the Daily Mail. VIDEO

We’ve been collecting Starbucks Alter Egos here at Pat’s Papers for well over a year. And we’ve accumulated quite a list. But this morning the New York Post blows us out of the water with this alter ego gold. That’s Mr. Derek Jeter, or ‘Philip’ as his cup reads, picking up his morning coffee from a Starbucks in Greenwich Village. The Yankee captain is apparently fond on nicknames, says the Post previously checking into a hotel under the name “Johnny Drama.” SEE OUR FULL ROSTER

Houston we have a problem. An Astros vendor was fired yesterday after he was caught on tape bringing the tray of snow cones he was selling into the bathroom with him…while sitting down to relieve himself. The Chronicle says the man didn’t just put them next to the sink, but brought them into the stall and set them on the floor.

Note to would-be killers: when planning a murder, be sure your phone is off. The Sun Sentinel says a Florida man was arrested after he accidentally butt-dialed 911 and then proceeded to detail his plans for killing a man. When he actually went through with the murder a month later, police were able to use his recorded conversation as evidence.

The inventor of the GIF received a lifetime achievement award at last night’s Webby Awards to celebrate his popular file format. But the New York Times says instead of the usual thank you speech bromides, Steve Wilhite took the opportunity to clear up something that’s been bothering him—how people have been mispronouncing his invention. Wilhite insists that GIF should be said with a soft g, like ‘jif.’

Could future missions to Mars use 3-D printers to “print” food? The Washington Post says NASA has given a Texas company a $125,000 grant to explore the possibility of making “nutritious and flavorful food suitable for astronauts using a digital recipe.” The idea is that printers would combine various powders and spit out something resembling an entree, smell included. The first test? Pizza, which contains layers “a key principle used in 3-D printing technology.”

A Silicon Valley startup has brought an interesting new dimension to the gun control debate, unveiling technology yesterday that will allow gun owners to know when their weapons have been moved and disable them remotely. The San Jose Mercury News says an alarm would trigger on the owner’s cell phone when their firearm changes location, prompting them to take action. The NRA is, obviously, not a fan of the “smart gun” technology, saying that “a firearm that does not function when it is required to is not a smart gun.”

There’s a really disturbing privacy story in the Wall Street Journal this morning about Verizon and other cell phone companies tracking your movements and then selling the data to marketers. The new direction takes the data trawling we’ve all become somewhat accustomed to as Internet users and combines it with information about your exact location. Retailers worried about “show-rooming” are one group that is very interested in this data, as it would allow them to see what websites customers are visiting while in their store.

Indonesian legislators are considering making “sex among singles” a five-year jail sentence, reports the Wall Street Journal this morning. Making co-habitation and black magic illegal are also under consideration. Experts say if it happens, it would “mark a significant shift” away from the moderate policies the young Islamic democracy has adopted thus far.

The New York Times focuses on the classic Gin and Tonic today, wondering if can be made a little more interesting while still maintaining “restraint.”  Many bartenders have managed subtle upgrades to the classic cocktail, thanks to a slew of new gins and tonics on the markets. Speaking of, the Times a “showdown” sidebar that names Schweppes as the best tonic water.

Have $190 million to spare? Then you might be interested in Copper Beech Farm, an estate in Connecticut that currently is asking the country’s biggest listing price. The Hartford Courant says the $190 million price tag will buy you a 13,500-square-foot house with 12 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms, 4,000 feet of beach front and access to two private islands.

At least 51 people are dead including 20 children after a “monstrous” tornado ripped through Oklahoma, leaving devastation in its wake. Of the hundreds of images snapped by news photographers, this AP photo on the front page of the Tulsa World was chosen by editors at about 80 percent of the country’s papers this morning. SEE FRONT PAGE ROUND UP

Angelina Jolie’s decision to have breast reconstruction is neither an easy nor a quick one, says the New York Times. Some surgeons worry that Jolie’s op-ed in the Times last week announcing her preventative double mastectomy may have inadvertently presented a very complicated procedure as simple. While Jolie completed her surgeries in just nine weeks, the process takes closer to nine months for most women and yields varying results.

Good news and less good news for video game fans in today’s Daily Mail. Microsoft is set to debut its latest Xbox tonight but the rumor mill is buzzing that the model will require single-code activations for games, which means you’d only be able to play a game on one console. If true, that means lending games to friends or selling them second-hand would be out of the question.

A California teen has invented a “super-charger” that will re-power your cell phone in 20 seconds flat. 18-year-old Eesha Khare says her invention works by packing more energy into a small space, delivering that charge to its source faster and then holding it for longer. The San Francisco Chronicle says Khare’s breakthrough could be used to power everything from phones to car batteries.

Where does a judge turn to find out that when kids say “grenade” it’s likely that they’re referring to not a handheld explosive device but rather “the solitary ugly girl always found with a group of hotties?” Urban Dictionary, of course, a source that is becoming increasingly valuable in the courtroom. The crowdsourced online resource has been cited in everything from armed robbery to financial restitution cases.

At 18 feet, eight inches long, a python has beaten the previous record for the biggest snake caught in Florida by almost a foot. The Burmese python was killed in a rural part of the state, reports the Sun Sentinel, after wrapping itself around a man’s legs. The female snake weighed in at 128 pounds. But wildlife officials say she hadn’t been eating particularly well after finding a single bird feather in the python’s stomach.

Can you stockpile sleep by staying in bed until noon on Saturday?  It can help in the short term says the Wall Street Journal but according to experts, short naps are more effective. If you don’t manage to put in a good eight hours during the week, sleeping in can actually help you catch up. And if you know you’ll be staying up late over the weekend, doing some preemptive snoozing can help you deal with the deficit. But even though it works, experts recommend creating a nap routine and sticking to it instead.

Yahoo’s board has apparently approved a $1.1 billion deal to buy blogging site Tumblr, a move the San Jose Mercury News calls CEO Marissa Mayer’s boldest yet. Though Tumblr has yet to make any real revenue (it made about $13 million last year) it has a ton of “cool factor,” something Yahoo is desperately in need of as it tries to remake its image.

Columnist Bill Keller takes to the New York Times editorial section this morning to outline the arguments for legalizing pot. He says one political path is the lottery model, where it’s sold as having a tax benefit for the greater good. By some estimates the sale of legalized marijuana is poised to be a $35 billion to $45 billion industry and advocates are trying to make sure it doesn’t become like big tobacco, instead looking to the wine industry for inspiration.

What does “unlimited” vacation really mean?  More companies are letting employees decide for themselves how much time they can take away, says the New York Post. The deal includes paid vacation time and sick leave; the idea is the employees should be able to decide how much time they can afford to not be at work. So don’t people abuse the policy? Quite the opposite, says the Post. Most employers must remind their employees to “take time off to recharge.”

No need to step on that critter next time it crawls into your kitchen. The Washington Post says bugs are actually a great source of nutrition. And not only that, eating them can help reduce greenhouse gas emissions and livestock pollution. Beetles and caterpillars are the most commonly noshed, though small grasshoppers and water bugs have almost as much protein as lean beef does—with a fraction of the calories.

Forget dogs. The Anchorage Daily News says a swarm of honeybees in Croatia has been trained to sniff out land mines. Bees have a “perfect” sense of smell and researchers are exploiting that skill by training them to detect the scent of TNT by mixing it with the smell of their food. Experts say that bees are ideal for sniffing out bombs because larger investigators like dogs and rats can trigger an explosion with their weight.

The New York Times has an obituary in today’s paper for the man who discovered the hole in the ozone layer. Joseph Farman died over the weekend at the age of 82. Farman began taking ground-level readings in Antartica in 1957. He continued to do so for the next 25 years, despite pushback from his superiors who said the research wasn’t valuable. But it was his “commitment to the prosaic first principles of data collection” that convinced the world of its ozone problem.

Spring has sprung in the Midwest. Tornados were spotted across the middle of the country all weekend. The Wichita Eagle caught this one touching down in southeast Kansas, though luckily no one was injured.

I don’t know why anyone would want to, but if the desire to brush your teeth with frosting-flavored paste ever hits, Cupcake Toothpaste is the brand for you. USA Today says it’s easy to find birthday-cake flavored anything these days, from vodka to lip gloss to protein powder. Marketers say it’s not kids driving the trend, but rather nostalgic adults looking for their white cake-white icing fix.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right.  But this guy is still kind of my hero.  National Review theater critic Kevin Williamson destroyed the cell phone of a fellow patron of the arts.  A woman kept texting during an off Broadway show.  Williamson told her to stop. The ushers told her to stop.  Finally in the second act he grabbed the phone from her hand and threw it at a wall. The New York Post says Williamson called his reaction one of “activism.”

According to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, race car legend Dick Trickle committed suicide at a North Carolina cemetery last night. He was 71. The man with the unforgettable name was a Wisconsin legend, an “old-school character,” and a mentor for young drivers. Trickle’s granddaughter was buried in the cemetery where his body was found. Friends say he had a hard time getting over her death in a 2001 car accident.

“End it Like Beckham” is the headline in the Daily Mail this morning. At 38, David Beckham is hanging up his boots…again. But he’s not likely to take up gardening just yet. The paper says Beckham is poised to cash in on his 21-year career by focusing on “Brand Beckham,” something marketing experts say will grow be worth more than $450 million over the next 20 years.

After staying away from the spotlight for years, Steve Jobs’s widow has emerges as a philanthropist, says the New York Times. Laurene Powell Jobs is worth an estimated $11.5 billion, making her the ninth richest woman in the world. Friends say she has spent the last year in mourning, but is now ready to take on a more public role championing the causes she believes in—education has been a long-time passion and gun control is a newer one.

If you’ve always admired the work of Frank Lloyd Wright, now is the time to act. The Wall Street Journal says there are 20 homes by the storied architect now on the market. And they don’t cost an arm and a leg—the one in Cincinnati is under $2 million.  But owning an architectural landmark does come with its pitfalls, says the Journal, like Wright’s penchant for small kitchens and closets. He also rarely built homes with basements.

Has the quest for speed turned the America’s Cup into a deathtrap? The San Jose Mercury News says technological advances have turned cloth sails into towering 13-foot carbon towers and instead of deck shoes sailors wear helmets, oxygen tanks and knives. The high-tech boats of today can reach 50 m.p.h., about 4 times faster than old sailing yachts, which some critics think is way too fast and dangerous.

Women of New York City, there is something important the NYPD would like you to know: It’s totally legal to go topless. In 1992, a judge ruled that women have the right to take their shirts off in public, just like men. But even though the rule is an old one, there are always a few cops who didn’t get the memo. So this year, the department decided to be more clear. The Times says police were read a command informing them that going topless is not an arrest-able offense at ten consecutive roll calls.

Google is coming for Facebook like never before, says the San Francisco Chronicle. At its developer conference yesterday, the search giant rolled out an impressive list of upgrades to Google +, things like self-editing photos, better messaging and automatic hashtags. One of the coolest features: the ability to use a computer algorithm to find your best pictures out of a big batch by scanning for things like whether people are smiling or whether the shot is blurry or in focus.

Duke’s storied basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski was paid $9.7 million in 2011. USA Today says that’s the greatest one year comp for a college coach since the paper began tracking these numbers in 2006. $1,978,401 of that is in base pay, while the rest was paid in bonus incentives and deferred compensation. Other coaches with big paychecks include Kentucky coach John Calipari ($5.4 million) Louisville’s Rick Pitino, and Kansas’ Bill Self (about $5 million each), though the paper says it’s tough to compare public and private school salaries.

ABC has announced that “Dancing with the Stars” will be pared back to just one show per week to reduce “viewer fatigue.” In today’s paper, the New York Post speculates that Fox may do the same thing with its stalwart “Idol” and drop the standalone results show each week. According to insiders, Fox is more interested in stemming the tide of viewers leaving the show than returning it to the numbers of its “glory days.”

Anyone who wants to name a place in this country must go in front of the Domestic Names Committee of the U.S. Board on Geographic Names. But before you make your plea for Pat’s Place or Kiernan’s Corner know this: the federal government has a wacky aversion to the apostrophe. Apparently the policy dates back to President Benjamin Harrison, who ordered that about 250,000 apostrophes be erased from US maps.

Allergy sufferers will appreciate the New York Times today, which does a super helpful round up of some of the air purifiers on the market these days. While none of them offered total relief at the height of allergy season, several seemed to do a decent job. And one product, the CritterZone, also worked extremely well at eliminating household odors…though it does so by emitting ozone.

Watch your mouth next time you’re in Seattle. According to a new study, residents of Washington state use obscenities far less than their counterparts in other states. To crown the least foul-mouthed, researchers analyzed about 600,000 calls made by a mobile-advertising firm and recorded how many obscenities customers used. The Seattle Times says in the Evergreen State only one out of every 301 people dropped the f-bomb, 50 percent lower than the national average. Ohioans had the worst record, followed by folks in Maryland and New Jersey.

It’s been six months since Superstorm Sandy ravaged the Jersey Coast leaving one of the Shore’s best-known attractions standing in middle of the ocean. That changed yesterday, when workers began dismantling the iconic Jet Star roller coaster, which has sat as a reminder of Sandy’s wrath. The Asbury Park Press says the demolition was a tough decision as the coaster’s new location “drew so much attention to the storm-ravaged borough, but needed to come out as a symbol of the recovery effort.” VIDEO

Can Angelina Jolie affect the Supreme Court? Jolie wrote an op-ed in the New York Times yesterday about her decision to have a double mastectomy once she discovered she carried the BRCA1 gene, a mutation that greatly increases a women’s risk of developing breast and ovarian cancers. USA Today’s Richard Wolff says the Supreme Court is about to weigh in on whether the company that discovered the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes should be able to hold a patent for them. Critics complain that the monopoly makes testing for the genes prohibitively expensive for many women. Read the Op-Ed

“Houston, we have a superstar,” says the Washington Post this morning. They’re talking about Commander Chris Hadfield, otherwise known as the coolest astronaut to ever hold the job. The Canadian has used social media to explain things like why you can’t cry in space, how one might wring out a washcloth in zero gravity and why eating while in orbit is like eating with a head cold. Along the way, he’s gathered over 920,000 Twitter followers.

Though his 55th birthday is rapidly approaching, his rhinestone-encrusted cane isn’t about age. The Minneapolis Star Tribune scored a rare interview with Prince, who talked about everything from aging (“I don’t have time for old people.”) to his new all-girl back-up band, 3rdEyeGirl (“It’s time for their legacy.”), to his new album, which is coming out later this year.

The Wall Street Journal takes a look at the growth of slightly-flavored water for those who have sworn off soda but are bored with plain water. Now you can crack a seltzer with natural fruit juices, squeeze a “liquid water enhancer” into your plain glass of tap or buy a bottle that will squeeze a real lemon for you—and keep the seeds away. Though most of the these “flavored waters” are marketed as “natural,” almost all of them have artificial flavors added.

The New York Times gives confidence to those who want to try frying chicken at home. Writer Julia Moskin says it doesn’t have to be messy or fattening. It’s much easier, she points out, than cooking a whole turkey dinner, something most of us do annually. First thing to do is invest in a cast-iron skillet. The next thing to think about is whether to brine or not. Opt for the latter, says Moskin and spend your time thinking about the most crucial part of fried chicken: the crust.

Here’s some of the chatter about “Crowd Rules” to get you pumped up:

• Pat talks to CNBC about his Top 5 Rules for Small Businesses.

• The New York Post gives “Crowd Rules” three stars.

• And the New York Daily News calls the show a “Crowd Pleaser.”

Anyone up for a Cicada Crunch Custard? Folks all over the east coast are bracing for a summer of cicada love, but are the noisy critters a nuisance or our next meal? The Washington Post says some are looking forward to the invasion with a frying pan on the ready. Apparently, when sautéed in butter, cicadas are “crunchy on the outside, but soft in the middle.”

According to the New York Times, the art market has become a favorite of money launderers, mainly because it’s already a “famously opaque” market.  In other words: who can say whether a painting is worth $100 million or just $8 million? Also helpful: “having a transaction where the seller is listed as ‘private collection’ and the buyer is listed as ‘private collection.”

Ted Turner can keep his bison. A Montana judge just ruled that an agreement the media mogul made with the state’s Department of Fish, Wildlife & Parks is valid. The Bozeman Daily Chronicle says Turner, who has been caring for dozens Yellowstone Park bison on his private ranch, can keep 75 percent of the bison’s offspring. Wildlife advocates argue that it’s unfair for a private citizen to benefit from animals held in a public trust.

Michael Wolff has an excellent column in USA Today this morning about the TV network “upfront” ad presentations that begin this week. That’s when advertisers are given a locked in rate if they commit to buying advertisement for the fall season now. But Wolff says the ad industry has yet to catch up to the choices consumers are making about video on demand—like the fact that there really isn’t a fall season any more.

The New York Times’ Bill Carter had a busy Sunday—he breaks two big media stories in today’s paper. First up, Carter says Seth Meyers has officially gotten the nod from NBC for the 12:30 slot when Jimmy Fallon moves up. And then news that Barbara Walters has set a retirement date. She tells Carter it will be a year from now, and to will be a “decisive retirement.”

My new small business competition show premieres tomorrow night at 9 p.m. on CNBC. And the morning, the New York Post’s Linda Stasi gives “Crowd Rules” a three star review. She says it’s like “Shark Tank” but “more relatable to regular Joes.” She also divulges that all three competitors on tomorrow’s debut will be in the specialty food business but not who leaves with a check for $50,000.

Details of a brazen credit card heist fill the pages of the New York Daily News this morning. A group of computer hackers amassed about $45 million from ATMs in 26 countries by hacking into credit card systems of several banks and manipulating the balances of hundreds of prepaid credit cards. Then “cashers” would fan out and withdraw the money from ATMs. In one hit, thieves were able to withdraw about $400,000 in a little over two hours from ATMs around New York City.

Some advice for recent graduates on the opinion page of the Wall Street Journal this morning from Kirk McDonald.  McDonald, who runs an ad tech company, says if you want a job in media or technology, it would behoove you to learn some computer programming—otherwise he won’t be hiring you. You don’t have to gain the expertise of people who “hack into NASA’s computers for fun,” but knowing what an API is and being able to discuss it intelligently will go a long way in your hunt for a job.

Go to your room has a whole new meaning. In an attempt to keep their kids out of trouble, more parents are investing money in spaces within their homes that teenagers want to hang out in. And these “teen lounges” feature more than just a bean bag chair. Think DJ mixing stations, hidden passages a la Harry Potter and fully equipped video game arcades. Most of these spaces also feature ways for parents to keep on eye on their children’s computer usage.

The Social Security Administration released the most popular names for babies yesterday with Sophia and Jacob leading the pack once again. The Chicago Tribune notes that attention-grabbing names seem to be picking up steam with expecting parents—both King and Messiah are becoming more popular choices for boys. So is Major. That seems like a lot to live up to, doesn’t it?

And then there was none. Randy Jackson, the last of the original “American Idol” judges, announced that he’ll be leaving the show after the current season concludes. The LA Times says Jackson’s decision to end his 12-year tenure comes on the heels of rumors that all four current judges would be let go after this season wraps. The “Idol” alum says he wants to spend time focusing on his “other business ventures.”

There’s an interesting media sotry in the New York Times today about the rapid rise of the Daily Mail’s online version. Seventeen million visitors a month come to the British website from the US. Understandably, the company has identified the US as a key market for growth. Other media companies say Mail Online’s ethics are shaky and that its stories are often taken from other websites with little or no attribution.

South Florida has a new celebrity, says the Sun Sentinel. Filomena Tobias has been dubbed the “bird lady” and become the latest Internet meme after unceremoniously jamming her middle finger in the face of Chicago Bulls player Joakim Noah earlier this week. The Sentinel calls Tobias a millionaire socialite who’s familiar with the spotlight, thanks to a lengthly legal battle over her late husband’s estate. Despite her support, Heat players lined up to lament her actions.