A researcher at Northwestern University walks into a bar. Oh wait, no he didn’t—because he’s too busy spending the $712,883 he received in grant money to create joke-writing software. Yes, I’m serious. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, the federally-funded project has had some conservative backlash—Sen. John McCain ranked it as 36 on his list of the 100 most wasteful stimulus projects.

According to the New York Daily News, the British are having a “snit fit” over some racy ads featuring a Princess Diana lookalike. The Chinese lingerie company behind the ads, Jealousy International, released a new line named ‘Diana’ to coincide with the anniversary of her 1997 death.

For James J. Lee, the world was divided into good and bad says the Washington Post. The gunman, who was killed yesterday after taking three people hostage at the Discovery Channel headquarters, held a longstanding grudge against the network for disseminating ideas he thought were “environmentally destructive.” In a self-published manifesto, Lee referenced the popular book, “My Ismael” which is about “a telepathic ape who tries to save humankind from problems such as overpopulation.” The Post called the book’s author, who said Lee misinterpreted his famous work.

Steve Jobs didn’t announce anything groundbreaking yesterday, says the San Francisco Chronicle, but he did unveil a series of improvements to existing products that “signaled a renewed push by Apple to compete in the living room and remain dominant in portable media players.” In addition, Jobs introduced Ping, a music-based social network that he described as “Facebook and Twitter meets iTunes.”

They are the new cocktail napkins. The Silly Bandz craze has hit the adult singles scene says the New York Daily News. Both women and men are using the colorful bracelets to spark conversations with strangers that, well, spark their interest. Adherents say it’s less pressure to hand over one than an actual phone number.